A mythical phone call (11/02/25) between the White House and the Kremlin

A mythical phone call (11/02/25) between the White House and the Kremlin

Trump

Hi Vlad, we have a great relationship, but we need to end this war. This has not gone well for you guys or Ukraine; everyone is a loser. Whilst I am President, I cannot face a losing hand because, as everyone knows, I am winner. Since I came into office I have been trying to keep the military industrial complex at bay, but it is difficult. This is a trillion-dollar industry that needs war, so I need you to come to the table with a deal. If you do not, as Russell Crowe stated in my favourite movie Gladiator, they will “unleash hell”.

Putin

Donald, good to hear from you. We have a lot in common my fellow egotistical maniac, I also want to end this war. I never wanted to invade Ukraine. I tried desperately to warn the West that I meant business and not to expand NATO and the EU any further to the east. The bloody nose we got in Afghanistan was one thing, but Ukraine was on our borders, I had no choice. Even when I authorised a nerve agent attack on the UK, as a warning that you are dealing with a tyrant with his finger on a nuclear arsenal, it was ignored. As if I gave a s**t about the Skripal’s.

Trump

Yes, that idiot Johnson went to Ukraine at the behest of the Biden administration and persuaded Zelensky to withdraw from the deal that you had on the table. I have now got to tell him that US military support is going to end, and he is going to be really pissed off. I am considering surprising him by making a joint press statement preferably in the White House. He will realise that we are throwing him to the wolves, and he will be in a state of dismay and disbelief and will react very badly. This will make him look ungrateful and disrespectful to the US. I have a thick skin, and Vance and I will deal with him.

Putin

What about the European reaction?

Trump

They are realists they do not have any real military power, joint policy or will. They are beholden to the US for defence so they will gesture and make threats but they neither have the arms industry or the wealth to act. They are also desperately in need of your gas and oil so in reality everyone is a winner.

Putin

I have sketched out my terms for a deal. I will only act once I have witnessed your commitment by publicly castigating Zelensky. Perhaps you can call him a dictator?

Trump

Will do Vlad it should be great TV but hopefully the world be in a better place and we can avoid any significant dents in our massive ego’s as well as World War III.

Putin

I will look forward to it and I will send you the draft deal and a copy of my personalised calendar.